Unsettling is an understated word to describe the state of the world right now. Between the headlines, conflicting statistics, stock market plunges, face masks, and fear of stepping too close to people in the produce aisle, life feels surreal and very much unlike the one we had planned for ourselves. I’m restless, a little directionless, and if we’re being honest, I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of enthusiasm for life. You too? Sitting still does not come easily to me. As much as I preach about it in this space, I still haven’t allowed myself to get on board with the whole “rest is productive” thing. Isn’t that just the way of the world these days? Rushing, spinning, hurrying, scheduling–to slow down feels a lot like falling behind. We disregard rest and stillness as wasted time. We worry that a moment of rest will result in a moment we’ll have to make up for or catch up to later. This is all too often where I live my life–trying to get ahead so my future self can rest. And I’m not sure who my future self is, but I think she might be stealing my life.
I find again and again that when I deny myself rest and recovery, God finds a way of forcing me into stillness. Escapism, avoidance, busyness are all weapons that I keep locked away ready to swing when I want to escape uncomfortable and unsafe feelings. Years ago, I went through a separation and a divorce that forced me to move back home for a while. As soon as I dropped my suitcases and boxes on the floor, I started frantically searching for ways to reinvent myself, rebuild my life, and fill in any gaping holes—and there were many.
I added a part-time job onto my full-time job. I started exploring new careers and places to live. I tried to teach myself how to make eggs Benedict. I started a blog. But whatever I tried, I kept coming back to this place of isolation, solitude, and silence. I was frustrated. I was emotionally and physically burnt out. My heart felt like it was bleeding out of my chest. I was desperate to escape my thoughts , outrun my mistakes, and avoid the heartache that I knew was waiting for me to acknowledge. Through a blurred series of events, I was left with no choice other than to sit in the discomfort and wait out the loneliness.
My mom encouraged me to “lean into the stillness.” I’ll never forget that, although admittedly at the time, I wasn’t ready for any type of advice that didn’t offer a resolution or an action. Stillness was not where I wanted to grieve the life that I had planned. Stillness was not where I wanted to pick up the pieces, own up to my faults, or hear from God. Instead, I had hoped or assumed, really, that I could keep myself so busy that I wouldn’t have time to feel my feelings and one day, I could just wake up and they would have faded into a distant past. But left with no other choice, it’s what I did. I stayed still, and picked up the pieces, owned up to my faults, and heard from God. And months later, when the world started turning again and I started washing my hair more regularly, I emerged with a better sense of who I wanted to be and more importantly, who God had always been. In the stillness, I hurt but I healed. I lost time, but I learned the value of it. I made mistakes, but I made amends, too. This still, very quiet season of my life became the catalyst for the most transformative period in my life. With prayer, self-help books, podcasts, Pinterest quotes, and worship music, my heart was opened, gutted, and patched back up.
I know that with Covid-19, many of you are feeling the restlessness and senselessness of stillness and solitude. And I want to remind you that you don’t have to plow through a to-do list or chase a dream in order to be productive. You don’t have to “make the most” of the downtime or take advantage of canceled plans. It is perfectly okay to simply exist right now. To listen, learn, and lean in. The world will start spinning again–too soon, too much, and too fast–and you might find that you miss the time when it was quiet and slow. Use the time to unsubscribe, unfollow, and undo. Be intentional about making your world less noisy and less full, and see what happens.
XOXO,
Jenna