I read somewhere once that all relationships are teleological. It means that all relationships are in a continual state of movement. It means that all of your existing relationships are headed in one direction or another. Whether it’s forward or backward, or perhaps a dizzying dance of both, it’s moving.
If you’re in a relationship now, I would be shocked if you told me there wasn’t any one thing you’d like to change about your significant other. And that’s okay. It’s okay to desire, to crave, to gravitate toward change. What’s maybe less okay is how we communicate the desire for change; a desire that tends to unexpectedly find its way into the conversation during moments of tension and friction.
The breakdown in communication delivers a distorted message that we want the person to change who they are, placing pressure on them to become someone they’re not. That pressure alone is enough to make that person that you love so very much to feel unsafe. And when people feel unsafe, they shut up, they shut you out, and worse yet—they shut down.
The most devastating effect of people not feeling the safety to be wholly themselves is that their hearts harden and eventually, close. What may begin as a tiny crack in the foundation can become the fault line where the entire relationship is shaken beyond repair.
I know that isn’t what you want for your relationship. That’s not what I want for your relationship. What you want, what I want is for our people to progress—to continually move toward the best version of themselves. If I asked you if you wanted that person to change into someone else or someone they’re not, you wouldn’t hesitate to say no. What you really want is for them to continually evolve as they pursue their true north. We want our relationships—all of our relationships—to be teleological. Moving forward, evolving, improving, strengthening.
This can happen each and every time you both come to the table with the courage and vulnerability to create a safe space for a two-way conversation, one where you both feel heard and understood. You owe it to the people you choose to keep around in your life the freedom to be themselves. That doesn’t mean that you have to accept or tolerate mistreatment, abuse or negligence. Those are behaviors, not identities. It means that when you desire change, you make every effort within your power to communicate that you would like a behavior to change, not a person to change.
I’ve seen far too many relationships and friendships, including some of my own, crumble because one person or maybe both people can’t find a safe space to be themselves. By communicating a desire for change rather than holding someone to the expectation of being someone they’re not, our relationships gain momentum to move upward and onward.