Photo: Laura Ann Photography
Remember when we used to talk about our 30th birthday like it was this Narnia-like destination that everyone always talked about, but no one had actually ever been there? I remember turning 20 and reassuring myself that 30-years old was still a decade away and that I had plenty of time to grow into the woman I was supposed to be. Life is tricky that way. When you’ve just graduated college, people are always telling you how young you are and how much time you have to chase your dreams, find your soulmate and figure out who you’re supposed to be. Then suddenly you wake up and you’re bombarded by articles with headlines like 20 Things You Have to Do Before 30 or 10 Things You Should Already Know How to Do or 15 Places You Should Have Traveled To In Your 20’s. If that weren’t enough, you can barely get through a Thanksgiving dinner without someone asking if you’re seeing anyone yet, when you’re going to get married or have kids, or my all-time favorite: when are you going to get a real job? (usually these questions come from the same people who have been reassuring you for the past five years that you’re young and have the rest of your life to figure out what you’re going to do with it).
One day, you wake up and you’re in the back half of your twenties and suddenly hangovers last three days, and the “adults” in your world no longer think it’s cute when you tell them don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. Believe me when I tell you these changes will happen suddenly and without warning. The realization will come during a Monday morning meeting at work when you can feel Friday night’s $3 margaritas still pounding in your head.
When you’re 20-years old staring down the long road that will eventually lead to 30’s doorstep, you don’t actually ever think you’ll get there. At least I didn’t. If you asked me where I thought I would be by the time I’d reached my 30th birthday, I would have told you three things: happy. married. a mom. And I would tell you today, two weeks from my 30th birthday, that I am none of those things.
Instead of pursuing happiness, I’ve learned to set my heart on wholeness. Instead of married, I’m still stumbling my way around who I am on my own so I won’t wake up one day and see a girl I don’t recognize staring back at me. Instead of being a mom to two kids, I wake up at 3 a.m. almost every morning to a 60-pound dog crawling into bed with me. My life is nothing how I once wished or envisioned it would be; it’s better. Or at least it’s getting better as I intentionally steer it in the direction of wellness and wholeheartedness. And I say that as an adult living in a one-bedroom apartment, having just made waffles for dinner—for the third night in a row. It’s not a glamorous life, although I do get to work with cookie dough for a living, so I have that going for me. I did have to grieve the loss of that glamorous life I had once dreamed of, and I stayed stuck there a little longer than I needed to, but eventually I exchanged what should have been for a fulfilling life instead—one that’s filled with books I can’t put down, people that get my humor, hurts and heart, a puppy that licks my face every morning, cookie dough (so much cookie dough), coffee (so much coffee), trips, celebrating, baking, brunching, quiet Sunday mornings, seeing God work in my life, Christmas lights, and the words that I write here.
I started my twenties like most of you did, with lots of ambition and lots of tequila. During the first few years, I had all kinds of high hopes for myself. I wanted to be strong, career-focused, driven and successful. And while there is nothing wrong with that, God has graced me with a glimpse of a simpler life; one that is filled with significantly less chasing and wanting, and more appreciating and giving. Heading into Year Thirty, I just want to do what I love with the people that I love. I still want to be successful, but more than that, I hope to be purposeful.
No one’s looked at me lately and thought “I want her life,” and that’s okay because I’m showing up to sign up for my life this time. So with that, goodbye dear twenties. I won’t be back for you and I won’t be looking back at you—at least, not often. But I will always think of you with love because you taught me that:
The world is changed by my example, not my opinion.
What I fear most reveals where I trust God the least.
As long as I continue believing, God will continue working.
Following my heart is not the same as following my feelings.
I can’t have it all because I can’t do it all.
I can’t always control outcome, but I can control effort.
I am responsible for the way I feel about myself.
God will almost always change my perspective before He changes my situation.
Living the “should” life keeps me from living the good life.
When I’m pursuing perfection, it’s usually when I’m trying to escape rejection.
My job is not to understand the way life happens, but to accept the way life happens.
Authenticity, transparency and vulnerability makes the world a lot less lonely.
I can appreciate and admire people without wanting to be like them.
I can care about someone’s problems without carrying someone’s problems.
There are differences between impossible, hard and complicated.
My one non-negotiable for relationships of any kind is that you have to want to be in it with me.
Every time I say yes to something, I have to say no to something else.
A reluctant yes will become a resentful yes.*
Two words: simplicity and adaptability. They are the keys to life.
Few things will change your life more than solitude, silence and suffering.
The people I love don’t need me to be perfect, they just need me to show up.
If good times never last, neither do bad times.
Being right isn’t worth going to war with someone you love.
Being productive is not the same as being purposeful.
If I don’t step out of my comfort zone, God will push me out of my comfort zone. It’s easier to just listen to Him the first time.
The lessons I’ve learned in the past 10 years are not limited to the list above, but they are the ones that have been the catalyst for change in my life. Above all: I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m okay and I’m on my way.***
Photo: Laura Ann Photography
*Taken from Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong
**Taken from Shauna Niequist’s book Present Over Perfect
***Quote by Joyce Meyer