A few months ago, I wrote a few words about forgiveness. I told you that I needed you to know that there can be a world where people can still love people, regardless of the circumstances, of the pain or of the mistakes. Where no one is too far gone beyond the reach of grace. I told you that I needed you to know that there doesn’t have to be a “too late” or “never again.” I said that damage doesn’t have to be permanent, scars can heal and relationships can be restored. I needed you to know that so you can remind me, often and always, that forgiveness matters. That forgiveness makes a difference. And that forgiveness is how we love.
There was a time when I would have struggled to write that and there are still times when I struggle to believe that. I wrote that on the other side of forgiveness, and I’m not sure that that’s where you’re standing now. And if you find yourself paralyzed at the crossroads of forgiveness, then I’m sorry. I’m sorry because it means that someone you love or trust hurt you deeply and they weren’t supposed to. I’m sorry because nothing that I say here will heal what hurts or repair what’s broken. I don’t have an impactful quote you can screenshot to your friends or cryptically re-post on your Instagram. I only have a few tremendously difficult words for you. You will find these words to be true, but your emotions will violently protest and tell you otherwise. Because you’re hurting and your emotions are demanding that you do whatever it takes to stop the bleeding. Your feelings will tell you to avoid, to ignore, to deflect, to suppress, to react, or to run. And I’m here to tell you to do none of those things. I’m here to tell you to take an immeasurably difficult step forward when you want nothing more than to run in the other direction.
There are plenty of words out there that paint a pretty picture of forgiveness; that’s it’s a peaceful, eat-pray-love journey toward healing and wholeness. I’m here to tell you that forgiveness looks nothing like that. Forgiveness is a raging storm of a river that needs to be crossed before there will ever be even a glimpse of healing and wholeness. You won’t be able to see how long the road will be and you won’t be able to see what awaits you on the other side. That makes a strong case for keeping your feet planted in the ground of unforgiveness, because no matter how much you hate where you’re at, at least you know where you’re at. I think that’s why most people don’t make it to the other side of grace. It’s an unfamiliar battlefield that causes even those who wholeheartedly have every intention and desire of wanting to forgive, to retreat in defeat.
But I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe if you understood what you were signing up for, that you could make it to the other side of grace.
First and foremost, you need to know that forgiveness is a choice.
Contrary to what you may believe, feelings have nothing to do with forgiveness. I’d venture to say you will never, ever feel like forgiving someone who has damaged your heart or trust (and if you do, please tell me what kind of endorphin supplements you’re on). Forgiveness cannot exist if you wait until your feelings catch up with you; sometimes you have to make the decision to do the right thing, despite how you feel, and wait for your feelings to catch up later.
And once you make the decision, it won’t be a one-time thing.
This has probably been the hardest lesson for me to grasp. I had thought (or maybe, hoped) that once I had the insane courage to step toward forgiveness, that was it. It only felt fair that once I made one of the toughest decisions of my life, that the feelings of peace and freedom would soon follow. Unfortunately, what I found was that those feelings of betrayal, disappointment and pain will re-surface again and again, and the decision to forgive will need to be made all over again.
There is no such thing as “unforgivable.”
It hurts to write this out. I know you may be thinking that I don’t know what’s been done to you or to the people you love. And it’s true, I don’t know. But I do know that forgiveness is a choice and you can choose hard things. I have been surrounded by people who have forgiven what I would categorize as “unforgivable.” I also know that there’s a really good God who’s waiting to heal your heart and if He can do the impossible, you can forgive the unforgivable.
And speaking of unforgivable, the hardest person you’ll ever have to forgive is you.
Just because you don’t deserve forgiveness, doesn’t mean that you’re not worth forgiving.
Forgiveness is not earned.
Forgiveness is not a transaction. Grace is a gift, one that’s given freely. You can’t earn someone’s forgiveness and no one should have to earn yours. And sometimes, there’s just no way for someone to make up for what they’ve done. Trust is a different story; you cannot demand to be trusted when you haven’t proven yourself trustworthy.
And there are no tagbacks.
Have you ever heard the saying “once you forgive someone, you can’t reheat their sins for breakfast?” Forgiveness is not a bargaining chip. Once you make the decision to forgive, you waive your right to keep bringing it up every time you disagree or old feelings re-surface. On that note, if you’ve truly forgiven someone, you won’t treat them as if they are forever indebted to you for forgiving them.
Forgiveness moves us from a position of judgment to a position of surrender.
It allows us to hold room in our heart to recognize that what’s been done to us was not within our control, nor is it a reflection on who we are as people. Judgment chains us to the past while surrender pushes us toward freedom.
When we choose forgiveness, we surrender anger…eventually.
Have you ever heard that anger is a secondary emotion that we rely on to cover up more vulnerable emotions? Sometimes I think we’re afraid to forgive people because we’re afraid that when we stop being angry, the anger will leave a gaping hole for other emotions that we’re not ready to face quite yet. We’re also afraid to stop being angry because then we have to face the reality of what’s been done to us. That’s painful when we’re facing a situation where someone we love may not be who we thought they were or you’re not sure that life can go back to the way it was.
And P.S., you can forgive someone and not allow them back into your life.
Don’t think that because I’ve been preaching forgiveness, that I’ve overlooked the fact that someone may be continually betraying you or hurting you. Forgiving someone doesn’t make what they’ve done “ok” and it’s not justifying their behavior. Sometimes forgiveness is saying I believe that you can do better and some day, I hope you will but I can’t continue to jeopardize my well being and subject my feelings to your reckless and selfish behavior.
I don’t know where you’re standing right now–if it’s hard, if it hurts or if you don’t know which way is up anymore, and I wouldn’t blame you if you chose to run in the other direction and I wouldn’t blame you if you just need to let yourself be paralyzed with what you’re feeling for a little while. My hope for you is that you become so uncomfortable with where you’re at right now, you can’t stand being stuck there for a second longer. That’s when you’ll be ready to move toward forgiveness. There’s never a “too late” or a “never again” when forgiveness steps in. Whether it feels like someone has taken a wrecking ball to your heart or to your whole world, forgiveness will be the foundation on which you will re-build your life.