I broke up with social media about a year and a half ago—at least on a personal level. Unfortunately and fortunately, like many toxic relationships, I couldn’t quite break things off for good. I still needed it for my job and I also realized very quickly that this blog wasn’t going too far without the virtual powerhouse of social media. There are about ten thousand reasons I decided to say goodbye to social media, but to be honest, I never expected to stay off of it. My intention was to take a brief, but much-needed hiatus; to duck out of a world that’s spinning much too fast for my exhausted heart. But we’ll save my thoughts about social media for a day when I have the energy and courage to share all about a heart that had to surrender the pursuit of perfection to save itself.
Today’s post is more of an FYI. There is no takeaway. There’s nothing profound about it. It’s more of a confession, really.
When I launched Grace Under Fire, I was reluctant to create any sort of social media presence for it. The reasons were selfish in nature; it turns out my well-being and the entity that is social media are in direct conflict with one another. But I knew that it would be difficult to reach people or make any sort of difference if no one ever read the words I wrote, so I gave in to creating a business account for Facebook and Pinterest. The business page features allow me to use both platforms strictly for business without me having to interact through my personal page. When I was on social media, Instagram was by far my favorite platform and it was by far, the most dangerous one for me. My mind has continually wandered toward creating an account for Grace Under Fire, but I held back because one, I’m best expressed in words not visuals and two, I have a difficult time separating real and not real on Instagram.
And then about a week ago, I discovered this blogger who is much like myself and has a blog much like my own. I lost myself in her inspiring words, heartfelt journal entries and pretty handwriting. Then I clicked on her Instagram page. And. I. Was. Gone. I disappeared into an hour of falling victim to the comparison game and shut down my computer feeling less than. While this girl was taking a step of faith and sharing her heart and talents, I somehow found a way to make it about me. Which is disappointing because her words really connected with my heart and I kind of want to be her friend.
I wish I could have stood on the sidelines and quietly appreciated her gift, I really do. But I’m still a work in progress, so I started an Instagram account of my own. I convinced myself that if I was using it for the blog instead of personally, that I could protect myself from the dangers. My intention was to only share more of what I’ve shared here. At least that’s how I justified it.
An hour later, I sat down to my usual routine of reading and writing. It’s a time when I read my Bible, write down what I’m thinking, ask God for some a lot of things, and try to make sense of my whirlwind life in a mixed-up world. My thoughts kept drifting to this girl’s Instagram page and how beautiful her journaling was and how inspiring her posts were. So it seemed only fitting that I take a photo of my devotional time, too. You guys…I literally spent almost a half hour trying to style my Bible and journal for the perfect Instagram photo and ended up so frustrated, I didn’t even end up reading or writing anything. (Does anyone else ever feel like God is rolling His eyes at you sometimes?)
I’m 50 percent amused and 50 percent disappointed that I started a blog promising to let you enter in to my real life, and within two weeks of launching it, I find myself spending significant time trying to make my life look perfect again. (Have I mentioned that I’m a total work in progress?) I don’t know why, but I struggle to be authentic on social media. I don’t have the energy to go into the psychology behind all of that, but I know that I am anything but real and transparent, especially when it comes to Instagram. The truth is, my life is messy like yours. The truth is, I write these posts while I’m laying in bed in my one-bedroom apartment and my keyboard is orange right now because I’m devouring a box of Buffalo-flavored Wheat Thins and typing; but for some reason, I want to give you the impression that I’m sitting at a charming little coffee shop down the street wearing hipster glasses, sipping coffee from a country that I can’t pronounce and having one profound thought after another that I’m pounding out on my laptop right now.
But it’s not me; and I have to stop wanting that to be me. I’m tired of stepping into the ring with my social media self because I feel like I’m always coming up short when I face her. I don’t want to live like that anymore, and I don’t want you to follow Grace Under Fire and feel that you have to step into the ring with that girl, either. Because you will never be her. Because I will never be her. You will never live up to her because I can’t live up to her.
I feel like every time I post something on Instagram, something inside of me is challenging you to live a life as perfect as mine. I feel like I’m inviting you to a competition that neither of us can possibly win. So that’s why Grace Under Fire won’t have an Instagram account any time soon. I deleted the app and deactivated my account after realizing I couldn’t even go thirty minutes without falling back into some mindsets that I’ve worked hard to rid myself of.
Please hear me. I’m not saying that everyone who uses Instagram or social media, or even that beautiful blogger are going to desperate lengths to make their life look better than it is, and you probably aren’t either. But I do. It’s where I struggle. And it’s why I had to take off the gloves and walk away this time. I’ve swung it out with that girl far too many times. And until I can appreciate and admire someone else’s gift or blessings without second guessing my own, Instagram isn’t a safe place for me. Until I can truly put up a post and not secretly want you to be jealous of my life, Instagram isn’t a safe place for me.
P.S. in case you’re wondering, this is what my devotional time and blogging process actually looks like. Lots of scribbling, Post It notes, self-help books and scattered thoughts. {Not pictured: the three cups of coffee it took me to power through this post and empty box of Wheat Thins.}
