I have to confess–I know pretty much nothing about marriage–although I would also confess that one point in time, I thought I knew a lot about marriage. So if you’re looking for one of those advice letters from a couple who just celebrated their 65th anniversary and will probably die holding hands, this is not it. I certainly don’t have the bulletproof recipe for a successful relationship, let alone a successful marriage, but I am lucky enough to be surrounded by a few that exemplify success.
1. IT’S OKAY TO GO TO BED ANGRY.
Have you ever stayed up into the morning hours, determined to resolve a fight rather than commit the cardinal sin of going to bed angry? You likely found that the more tired you became, the more delusional you became about what you were actually fighting about. A disagreement about communication can quickly evolve into a full-blown fight about that one time your husband forgot to call you—three years ago. Sometimes the best thing you can do is call a cease fire and surrender to your need for sleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night, your anger dissolves or at the very least, it gives way to more sensible thinking, leading to a more constructive conversation in the morning. (Side note: this only works if you go to go bed in the same bed—it’s a healthy way to get some distance without being distant.)
2. YOUR SPOUSE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE A FRIEND.
Most couples think they already have this covered; you are supposed to marry your best friend after all. But I recently read an article that talked about how we often treat our friends better than our significant others or spouses. For example, when one of our friends is running late (again) for a dinner date, we tend to be one of the kindest, most gracious human being on the planet. “No worries.” “No rush.” “Take your time.” But when those running-late texts come through from our significant other, often we can’t help but express our irritation. Do we lecture our friends when they run late, or when they eat fast food, or say the wrong thing? Usually not. We really need to give our significant others the kind of grace and patience that we reserve for our friends.
3. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MATCH YOUR PARTNER’S EFFORT.
I have always thought marriage was a 50/50 partnership. I’ll meet my partner halfway, he’ll meet me halfway, and we’ll live happily ever after. There is no such thing as 50/50 in marriage, nor should there be. It’s all or nothing. 100 percent. Let’s be honest, we fall short of that 100 percent all the time. But you don’t get to choose how much you put in based on how much the other person puts in. Whether your spouse is giving 10 percent (and you should probably talk about that if that’s the case), or giving 110 percent, you should always, always be striving toward that 100 percent for your effort. And when one person falls short, the other person needs to compensate until balance is restored. However, if you find you’re always over compensating for your partner’s lack of effort, you need to have a conversation. And that conversation should not be filled with six months of pent-up frustration, nor should it be filled with “you never” or “you always” because those statements are rarely true.
4. AN APOLOGY ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WRONG.
According to the dictionary, an apology is: “a statement saying that you are sorry about something; an expression of regret for having done or said something wrong.” This should not be confused with “a statement saying that you are sorry, followed by a lengthy explanation of excuses for having done or said something wrong.” When you give excuses for your behavior, it comes off as justification. Don’t bother apologizing unless A) You really are sorry B) You recognize what you did wrong and C) You have no intention of doing that again. Society has really become desensitized to the words “I’m sorry” because all too often, we find it’s an insincere expression, especially when the behavior is reoccurring.
5. YOU NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME PERFECTING YOUR MARRIAGE THAN MAKING IT LOOK PERFECT.
Obviously we all know that people present their best self when it comes to social media. But when more effort is put forth toward how your relationship looks rather than how it actually is, there’s a problem. Stop looking for the perfect Instagram filter for your #mcm, put your phone down and let your partner know what you value about him. All too often when I find out about a couple breaking up, my first response is “but they looked so happy.” But a collection of Instagram photos that say “we’re so in love and happy, we can hardly stand it” does not translate into a happy marriage or relationship. Let’s all stop pretending for each other and work more at being happy and less at trying to look happy.
6. MARRIAGE REQUIRES YOU TO SHOW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I can’t stress enough the significance of being present in your marriage or relationship. In a crazy, mixed up world, you can’t afford to check out. There are nights when you may have a DVR loaded with shows to catch up on but your husband had a bad day at work and needs to vent. There are times you may hear your phone ringing, but you’re eating supper. These are times that require a choice. You can be present in the moment or you can turn your attention to a harmless distraction. The thing is, these “harmless” distractions add up and they take away from your efforts to be present in your marriage.
7. IT’S OKAY TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
Have you ever gotten upset at your husband or significant other for not helping you with something that you needed help with? Did you ask for their help or did you expect their help? Because there is a major difference. The assumption that your spouse is supposed to just know what you need combined with your inability to ask for what you need often leads to a pattern of passive aggressiveness where you feel upset for not getting what you didn’t tell your partner you needed. You can save yourself a lot of resentment if you just speak up about what you want or need. So can we just do away with the idea that the people who love us should “just know” what we need?
8. THE LOVE LANGUAGES ARE REAL.
If you haven’t read the book “the 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, you need to. It centers on the fact that there are five ways we communicate love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. I communicate love with acts of service but I feel loved when someone spends quality time with me. If you’re married to someone who thrives on words of affirmation but you’re communicating with acts of service, then you won’t understand why you’re giving all of this effort and your significant other still doesn’t feel loved. In return, YOU don’t feel appreciated. See the problem? There’s a disconnect. Real life example: you made meatloaf for your husband, and while that’s a worthy gesture, you expect his love tank to be filled because you communicated love in the language that you know. But he needs to hear how appreciated he is or what you love about him to feel loved. You need to speak to his love language and he needs to speak to yours. This doesn’t apply solely to marital relationships either; all of your relationships will be more meaningful and satisfying if you can learn to communicate love in a way that speaks to another person’s love language.
9. “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO CHANGE FOR YOU” IS A MYTH.
I hear people say this all the time. “She wanted to change me, so I broke up with her.” I see quotes about how we shouldn’t have to change for anyone. And I get that. But I don’t agree. If love isn’t going to change you, what IS THE POINT? I’m not talking about an abusive relationship where one person controls the other or situations like that. And yes, I get that whole “accept me for who I am” stuff. But there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want my significant other to accept me for who I am or accept all of my faults. Because I shouldn’t accept all of my faults. Some of my faults don’t deserve acceptance. If we don’t change, we don’t evolve. And a marriage NEEDS to evolve, we need to change, and we need to start seeing that as a beautiful opportunity for two people to better one another.