Did you know that they say that fights occur 10 percent because of difference in opinion and 90 percent because of how we approach and deliver our argument? That means that a large majority of fights are due to the way we fight, not what we fight about. While there may not be hard evidence to support that statement, it’s very much a fact that we all have our own style of fighting or dealing with conflict. Some of us harbor our feelings inside and release them at very random, very inconvenient times. Guilty. Some of us avoid conflict at all costs. And some of us confront conflict head on. Many fights are a result of two people engaging in conflict with styles of fighting that simply do not align.
Some people internalize things. They prefer to take a step back and determine what they’re actually upset about and if it’s worth being upset over. They would call this “reflecting.” Others would call this “overthinking.” The other approach is to deal with the conflict head on and get it over with. Those people would refer to this approach as “straightforward.” The internalizers would call it “confrontational.”
Simply put, these two methods of approaching conflict are on two very opposite ends of the spectrum. It’s essential to the survival of any type of relationship to embrace conflict—but to do so in a way that reflects love and honors the respect you have for the other person. I’m mostly talking about romantic relationships, but this can be applied to any relationship in your life. It’s one of those easier-said-than-done things, but by learning your approach to conflict versus your partner’s, you can learn to actually handle conflict with some grace and reach a solution. The alternative is that you continue to run around the same mountain and continue to run into the same conflict. If you don’t get a hold of this principle now, your fighting styles develop patterns, those patterns develop into habits, and habits are hard to break.
Rule Number One: Remember that anger is a secondary emotion.
Anger is often an emotion that masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, stress and fear. Remember when you broke curfew and your mom didn’t know where you were? When you walked in two hours past curfew, I bet she reacted with anger. It’s likely that she was actually full of fear, not anger. It’s important to know HOW you feel in order to understand WHY you feel that way. Are you angry at your husband for canceling dinner plans? Or are you actually disappointed because you had been looking forward to it all week? We often turn to anger because it feels more powerful and comfortable than admitting we’re hurt, sad or disappointed. You will likely come to notice that your significant other responds more openly when you’re honest and let them know your feelings are hurt, rather than getting angry. Anger is what fuels fighting. If we’re just honest about those more vulnerable feelings, we can at least take the anger out of it.
Rule Number Two: Be in control, not controlling.
Learn this difference. Taking control of your feelings means that you are in control of your thoughts. When you are in control of your thoughts, you are in control of your words/actions. And that means that you are in control of your role in the argument. And yes, there are roles and you need to play both parts—you are a talker and you are a listener. When you are in control, you know when it’s time to assume each role. Being controlling means that you are dictating the conversation (and maybe relationship) to fulfill a very self-centered approach to conflict. It also means that you are doing all of the talking and none of the listening. In your partner’s eyes, you are looking to win, not to resolve.
Rule Number Three: Avoid extremities.
Extremities are words like “never” and “always.” They are usually precursors to an inaccurate statement. Because they are inaccurate, they discredit your own feelings. For example, let’s say your husband didn’t do the dishes like he said he would. When you tell him that he NEVER does the dishes when he says he will, he isn’t feeling bad for not doing the dishes last night. Instead, he’s thinking about the four times he did the dishes last week. And now, he comes to the conclusion that you’re upset for no reason—because if you’re upset that he NEVER does the dishes, well, that’s simply not true, and therefore, those feelings are unwarranted. So three things have happened here. You made an unfair claim. You failed to acknowledge all of the times your husband has done the dishes. And you discredited your feelings because your partner thinks you’re upset for no reason.
Rule Number Four: The right to be mad doesn’t give you the right to be mean.
I don’t know about you, but I have been guilty of saying mean things when I’m mad. In fact, sometimes, I say mean things and I say things I don’t mean. (If this is something you struggle with, go back to rule number one and re-read). We say regrettable things when we’re in the middle of a fight. And while we like to dismiss the harshness of our words because we were “caught up in the moment,” the person on the receiving end of these words can never un-hear them. Imagine those words written on a piece of paper. And imagine that other person opens up that piece of paper and reads those words every single day. Would you speak differently? Would you use different words? They might forgive you, but the words can’t be un-said, un-heard or un-felt.
On a related note, here is some advice from my extra-wise mother: the one who yells the loudest is not winning the argument. If there is such a thing as “winning” in this situation, it is not accomplished by talking over your partner. When you talk over your partner, it’s unlikely that they will stop talking and respectfully wait for you to finish your rant. It’s much more likely that they will begin to talk over you. And two raised voices leads to flat out yelling. From experience, yelling resolves very little.
Rule Number Five: Know your goal.
If you initiated the conversation/conflict, or brought up the conversation that led to the conflict, it was because you are unhappy with something in the relationship or you hoped that something would change in the relationship. If you don’t know what the end-game goal is, you will find it difficult to stop fighting. Retrospectively, if your partner doesn’t know what your goal is, they cannot and will not compromise with you. Having a realistic, attainable goal is the only way that you can progress in your relationship and come to an understanding/solution.