Earlier this year, I wrote a post about how I found authenticity in my faith. My dad passed away suddenly, unexpectedly and unfortunately—even after I swore to God I would live a better life if his life was saved. I talked about how I came to realize that faith isn’t a concept in which we wholeheartedly pray for what we want and expect to receive it. I spoke of my very naive perception of faith…how I thought if I wanted it bad enough, if I prayed hard enough, if I believed God enough, that God would reward me for being faithful.
That kind of faith isn’t genuine. It’s not inspiring. And it’s certainly not the way that God asks us to experience faith. God intends for faith to be a deep, unwavering trust of Him in the midst of chaos, silence, confusion, broken hearts and disappointments. It’s trust that He is working for the betterment of my heart and for the good of His plan, even when I’m begging for a clear answer, a different outcome or a simple solution. This concept is referred to as “walking by faith.” Since my dad’s accident, I have felt so incredibly convicted by the words “walk by faith,” that I had it tattooed on my foot. Those words signified how I wanted to live life—one day at a time, walking in faith when the road was unclear, the signs were discouraging and the chaos was unending.
I understood faith years after my dad died. I found that faith when I was out of the fire, so to speak—when the grief finally decided to let me breathe for more than a few stolen moments at a time. When the grief settled into a dull ache rather than a constant verge of panic attacks, I understood faith a little better. Because when I was out of the fire, I could look back and see the pieces that were connected. I could see the bigger picture. I could see God’s hand in little moments. I could even gather the courage to thank Him for the journey through grief that He carried me through. In other words, I am really good at having faith when life is going according to [my] plan.
And then I was thrown into the fire again. And everything I had come to know about faith suddenly gave way to uncertainty, overwhelming fear and a feeling of abandonment from God. The circumstances before me overpowered the faith within me. There was an abrupt halt in my journey to walk by faith. Suddenly, I couldn’t see the road ahead of me. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. I had no understanding of where God was taking me, why He was taking me there and why He wasn’t listening to me telling Him that I had no desire to go through whatever storm He was calling me to.
I went back to my article about how I found faith. And I said this: “Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending.” Faith was not asking God for something and believing it would be handed to you. It was not a guarantee that my prayers would be answered my way, on my time. Faith was trusting in a plan that I had yet to fully comprehend—and maybe never would.”
That was my understanding of faith only a few months ago. But again, I wrote that after God led me out of the circumstances. I wrote that when I could see the visible evidence of His plan. It was written when the pain was tolerable, the future was more transparent and I was in a better place. So maybe I didn’t understand faith in its entirety, after all.
To experience faith in its realest, most powerful form, we HAVE to have it while we are within the fire. Faith doesn’t do us a whole lot of good if we find it after we needed it. It’s easy to trust God after He’s delivered what He has promised. It is so difficult to trust Him while He is working. And He is always working. When He is seemingly silent, when the bad news keeps coming, when the battle is raging, when the struggle is strong, when your plans are a mess, He is at work.
I can assure you that if you continue to look at your circumstances, you will be discouraged and your heart will be heavy. I know this because I have spent a great deal of time focusing on the circumstances. But I can tell you that if you commit your attention and energy to faith, you will find a way to be joyful within the circumstances. You don’t have to be miserable until you understand what God is doing. That’s certainly not how God intended you to experience your trial. He calls us to “be truly glad, for there is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a while.” (1 Peter 1:6)
I read that verse every single day. I fixate on this promise from God: “there. is. wonderful. joy. ahead.” Say it. Say it now. Say it often. Because it is absolutely true.
Faith is an approach to life that you have to re-teach yourself over and over again. It is not something you can just stumble upon or discover in dire circumstances. Faith is intentional. You have to actively seek faith. And trust me, when you’re tired, when you’re anxious, when you’re undeniably discouraged, it is work. It will be difficult. Sometimes it feels as though I have to physically pull my thoughts away from a desperate situation and back toward God. But this is what God promises us: “After your season of suffering, God, in all of His grace, will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10). Take heart in that—you will be restored. confirmed. strengthened. and established.